Quantum

MOTIVATION BINDS EVERYTHING

Except fried spark plugs.

"Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense."

Anyone else have a favorite line from a movie other than, "I'll be baaack"?

Merry Christmas.

Dark Side of the Lips

OK, so I know that Dark Side of the Moon is a polarizing, pulverizing album. Today I get an email telling me that The Flaming Lips covered it and released it on iTunes. Now that’s fucked up. The two most stoner bands of the past 30 years have dueling versions of the same songs out there. Of course, no one can beat Floyd. Fuck, they created it. But when I downloaded the Lips version I was taken aback. They brought in Henry Rollins to help with the vocals, which in itself is an inventive move. They also were wise not to copy it note for note, but to add even more trippiness to it. Which is good, trust me. I am totally chilling out to this reproduced work of art. And it’s making me happy. Two balls up.

Snow from space

If you haven’t yet heard, we were on the losing end of a pretty fucking massive snowstorm here in the NYC area this past weekend. It wasn’t epic, like something you’d see in Canada or Alaska or Antartica, but it was astonishing for those of us in the Mid-Atlantic/Northeast part of the USA. I found a satellite pic of what it looked like from space. Looks like my hockey stick made less of a dent than I thought it did.

Snow fling

You are looking at the hardware that cannot be bought at Lowe's or Home Depot. You are looking at the greatest snow removal tool ever when deftly used. You are looking at a Cooper Hockey Stick, circa 1995, taped, taped again, and then retaped. When I say deftly, I mean be careful with your car's finish. When I say greatest snow removal tool ever, I mean gliding down your driveway in Docs slashing everything in your path. It is dry now and resting comfortably on my bed. I'll put it on the porch soon because I want to sleep soon. But I felt it deserved an hour or two of rest after the hell I put it through today.

2 hours of slapshot shoveling

How fucking festive. Jesus Christ I hope we have a white Christmas so I can use my hockey stick to shovel snow off my car, driveway, and sidewalk again. It was so fucking enjoyable today. At least I know I can still flick an ice ball at a speeding SUV, hit the front quarter panel, and make it sound like a sonic boom.

My car 10 minutes after I chiseled off the ice and snow

Looks like I will not be driving anywhere until June.

Snow drift on kitchen window

Shoveling is going to suck tomorrow. 14" of wet snow and wind driving drifts up to a window 5 feet off the ground. I don't even have gloves, dammit. I'm cooking gumbo but it keeps icing over. Maybe pouring Tobasco on the snow will help me through this unusually frigid dilemma.

Snow

Expecting a bit of snow today. Haven't had any since this past March. Expecting to do some serious shoveling.

Alysia and blonde Shannon

Is it really so bad that I'm posting these pics? I guess it must be. I haven't had a comment in over a week.

Ashes Lingerie Show

'Twas fun being on the observation deck of the catwalk.

Simple Minds, Up On the Catwalk

Up on the catwalk, and you dress in waistcoats
And got brilliantino, and friends of Kim Philby
You float through the night time, like manna from heaven
But what, what do I know, and just what do I know
And up on the catwalk, in sweat that glistens
And I don't know why and I don't know why
I don't know why

I will be there
Tonight, under the crystal light, I'll tell you everything I need
Tonight, under the crystal light, surrender everything to me

Angel

Up on the catwalk,
I don't know why.

There are no flying cars yet

Imagine how fun they could be. Driving down your street to takeoff. Going up to about 5,000 feet or so at 500 miles-an-hour. Following your destination laser so as not to perform a head-on with someone coming at you. Cruising over the ocean listening to Biohazard. Coasting down over your destination right into a parking spot. With your Albert Einstein hair.

In the future…

* Disney and 6 Flags will merge and buy the open aerospace from sea level to 5,000 feet for a monorail/roller coaster public transportation system.

* I won’t walk to 7-11 at 4:45 A.M. to get a microwaveable quarter pounder and a Jets keychain.

* Everything will be red.

* I will get back the two pair of boots I left with the old man cobbler. The insides will be relined, three heels fixed, and their weathered integrity will remain intact.

* Walls will be made of nanoparticles that act like pores.

* McDonalds will offer a McRib, Chicken McNuggets combo.

* Using red Converse high tops as Christmas stockings will become common place.

* Your descendents will have RFID tags tattooed upon them at birth.

* Chickens will breed with pigs and Cheddar cheese and lay omelets.

* My cat will stop eating the Christmas tree and stop hacking up sparkle barf.

* War will be over if you want it.

Hey! I just wrote a Bruce song!

Clapboard Trixie

Can’t get her on,

Can’t get her off,

Try a little lube,

She starts to cough.

She’s got a back bunk trunk for a pair of spares,

You gotta yank yer crank to get her up there.

Can’t get her on,

Can’t get her off,

Try some glue instead of lube,

She starts to scoff.

She’s got a back bunk trunk for a pair of spares,

You gotta yank her crank to get her to swear.

Yeah she’s my Clapboard Yippie ol’ Trixie,

Yeah she’s my Clapboard Hippie ol’ Trixie.

Big trunk for all of my junk,

Big cab for all I can grab.

Yeah she’s my Clapboard Tipsy ol’ Trixie,

She’s the calm of my nerves,

She’s my Clapboard Tipsy ol’ Gypsy,

She’s the curve around you dare not ever swerve.

Can’t get her on,

Can’t get her off,

Try a little glue,

She starts to cough.

She’s got a back bunk trunk for a pair of spares

You gotta yank yer crank to get her up there.

(It's about a car, you pervs. Think "Pink Cadillac.")

Trying to deconstruct tonight

Alysia and Shannon invite me to a lingerie party at Ashes. Alysia is soon flittering about like a socialite butterfly leaving Shannon and me alone to watch the catwalk show. I kept making eye contact with a woman on the other side of the stage when I realized she was an ex. She motioned me downstairs and proceeded to berate me for entering the bar with a woman on each arm, and for ogling the asses, breasts, and cooches of the models sporting the thigh highs, laces, and thongs meant to get men to buy them for their mates. We argue for about 45 minutes and I watch her peel out of the parking lot in a rip of rubber. Shannon texts me and asks if I could come back up to Ashes for a drink with her. I think the phrase that locked it was, “Come here, my love.”

So I return. Shannon and Alysia summon a barmaid serving free Inocente tequila shots. Jeez. OK, I’m done for the night. I leave an hour later after getting to adore Shannon a little more.

Fast-forward an hour. I get another text from Shannon, telling me that Alysia is in the dumps because a guy she wanted to hook up with bailed on her. Well, I think, that answers one question. But still it’s Shannon, and this time she’s texting me from a bar a block from my house. So I go. Arms wrap around necks and hands touch thighs. We agree to an at home wine date with one blanket in the near future. Will it ever happen? Who knows? The point is that I’m still trying to deconstruct tonight.

Screaming Do Me

Does anyone know what Jucee Clitoure means? Does it mean what I think? A friend of mine wants to start a lingerie line by that name. I think she wants me to be a partner.

Love, death, travel, revolt, chaos

What is the impetus behind everything? Why do you keep doing what you’re doing? Do you open your mail? Do you pretend to like eating snails? When was the last time you were bailed out of jail? Ever eat fried ibuprophen? Like they were Skittles? Do you like to bask in the rays of our nearest star? Do you like to dive into the night sky and imagine other worlds? Do you have the key to the system? Do you know the secret ingredient to a good candy cane? Do you know about The Red Book? Can you translate hobo code? Does your bong match your speakers? What is the status of your passport? Ever negotiate 40% off of a brand new suit? Ever walk to 7-11 at 4:00 AM to get a battery for your smoke detector? What’s the longest time you’ve ever strolled the streets with a broken limb? How many seashells do you own?

Eff-Ell-Aaa

Alysia’s down in Florida, F-L-A,

Traveling her way up and down the U-S-A

She went to get her needed supplies

I have to say I was really surprised

But hey babe,

Take a walk on the wild side

Hey babe,

Take a walk on the wild side,

Shannon and I say do, do, do-do-do-do

Do, do, do-do-do-do…

Si tienes la suerte de...

This is the view one gets to endure when one awakens from the side of the bed that is not mine. Doesn't happen often. Their gain (for it not happening often.) Had a long, long talk with Shannon tonight. Alysia is in FL. This situation is getting dicey.