Why I can never be the Vice President

My history is hazy. My July experiences testify to that. As do a few March days worthy of note. Not to mention one February moment and an October incident, both well within this decade of indiscriminate incrimination. and each documented somewhere on this world wide public diary thing.

Otherwise, I am eminently qualified.

The following 6 human beings/or groups thereof would probably testify in my defense...

I will defer to the testimony of my baseball coach circa 1991. He still remembers that two strike line shot up the middle I hit while batting lefty when he was thinking I was just another righty power schlump 3rd baseman with a hole in his glove. (How do I know he remembers it? Met him by chance in a go-go bar and he began to ignore the boobs. Probably took him 3 or 4 rounds before I started noticing he was time-suspended in the early 90’s.)

Cut to a few years later.

I will defer to the testimony of my voice teacher circa 1995 (she thought I was a one note wonder before she finally learned to play “Disarm” on piano.) Her hands danced on that keyboard while patiently waiting months for me to deliver. She’s the one who gave birth to a new low tenor. She birthed my voice from some kind of musical uterus, covered in Spaghetti-Os and baritone octave triplete'. Kudos to her for refining what I have since let rot.

Cut to a few years earlier (time is not linear, no matter what the voice inside your head says.)

I will defer to my writing teacher, Dr. Cole, who caught me doing something bad with a girlfriend in a hallway and helped me to realize that there was more to life than a buzz. He asked me to take his classes. This man, the most pre-eminent doctor on campus, wanted me in his classes. At least he made it seem that way. That was all I needed. From there on, I was cool, GPA-wise. Somewhat…

I will defer to a woman in Florida who squeezed me like toothpaste a few years ago to see if I had a face to go with the brain. I don’t have either. But that was never the point…

I will defer to the lead singer in the main band I was a member of in the 90’s. This gentleman was a huge Stones fan, a bass guitar player who made sure we had an anchoring groove. Bass and drums. Key to most everything we all dance to. We played a weird mix of covers and originals. Gorilla-Zilla was our signature tune. He actually had the audacity to say that I was the best drummer he ever jammed with. Jeez, he was kind.

I will defer to my surfing friends who were there the night I epically crashed. They had seen me ride in the 12-footers of seasons past. Then they saw me concussed, cut from my wetsuit by EMTs and poured into an ambulance, body blue and limp from a lack of oxygen. They saw a ghost get up and bust out of the hospital to go to work that very Monday.
(No longer blue, more like a sweet bleeding peach now that 6 months have passed.)
With Hurricane Hanna coming, I’m eager to get back out there. They vow to make me wear a hockey helmet. Fuck them.

I have had the kind of life experiences that will prohibit me, in this current climate, of ever holding a high community office.

Sometimes we’re meant for others. Sometimes others are meant for us. We absorb what time and space grant.

I have enjoyed success and failure in athletics, music, love and art, thus…

…I can never be the Vice President, so…

…so instead I will file a patent for the planet earth and draw royalties from those who use it.